everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
