I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
