She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
