I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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