I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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