my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
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