Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
