Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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