I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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