i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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