i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
