omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
