Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Randomize
