Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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