So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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