I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
