am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
