I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
