So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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