I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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