Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
