anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Randomize
