and my herpes radar will keep us safe
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize