i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
