Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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