Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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