my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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