Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
