i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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