You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
