My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Randomize
