Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
