Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
