If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
