I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You were trust falling into bushes
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
