Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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