someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize