My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
