Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
