I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
