Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
