____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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