My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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