I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
