he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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