U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
