That's when you crack a 10am beer
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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