she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
there is glitter all over my balls
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