my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
