I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
