i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
