Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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