T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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