I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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