I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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