If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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