walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
